


Home

by glassclosetcastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Loves Dean, Claire and Castiel bonding time, Coda, First Person, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, POV Claire Novak, Sad, Sam and Claire bonding time, episode: s10e09 coda, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3145571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glassclosetcastiel/pseuds/glassclosetcastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda to 10x09- The Things We Left Behind</p><p>"What the fuck," I whisper. I've caught my breath, finally, and I swipe the remaining tears away. "What the fuck," I bite out, harsher, and I can feel Castiel tense at my side, maybe preparing to put his arm around me again, so I pull away from him and face the window. My face is hot. I can't remember what happened after we came back inside. Every time I try to think about it, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Again. My nose burns with the remembered smell of blood and I hold in a shudder. Press my forehead to the cold glass.</p><p>"Claire," Castiel says, and the voice doesn't sound familiar. It should be comforting. It's not. It's not my father's voice anymore. </p><p>I don't say anything. Neither does he.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I'm going stir-crazy waiting for this hiatus to be over. This is my first fic in first-person. I just felt like maybe Claire had some insight.

_"What the fuck,"_ I whisper. I've caught my breath, finally, and I swipe the remaining tears away. "What the _fuck,_ " I bite out, harsher, and I can feel Castiel tense at my side, maybe preparing to put his arm around me again, so I pull away from him and face the window. My face is hot. I can't remember what happened after we came back inside. Every time I try to think about it, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Again. My nose burns with the remembered smell of blood and I hold in a shudder. Press my forehead to the cold glass.

"Claire," Castiel says, and the voice doesn't sound familiar. It should be comforting. It's not. It's not my father's voice anymore. 

I don't say anything. Neither does he. He sighs. 

I think, distantly, about the last ten minutes. After he pulled me outside, I threw up, twice. Afterward, he pulled me into his arms. 

I try to take pleasure in the fact that Castiel cried. He's losing someone, too, finally. _Maybe now he'll get it,_ I think. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

The car door opens, and part of me prays it's not Dean Winchester. _(Another part of me wonders if Castiel heard the prayer.)_ "Cas, um." It's Sam. He has a calm voice. I want to scream. "Can you...?" he trails off. I feel Castiel shift beside me.

"Of course, Sam," he says, and out of the corner of my eye I see him hesitate. Turn to me. I stare out the window. "Claire, please stay here," he pleads. "I'll be right back." I don't say anything, but I want to say _where the fuck would I go now? This was my home. The only family I had left is dead. Gone._ Story of my life. 

Castiel steps out of the car and shuts the door, lightly. I hear their muffled voices just outside the door. "He just keeps saying your name," Sam says. I can't hear Castiel's reply. It doesn't matter. Nothing fucking matters. I kick the back of the seat in front of me, and there's a shock of pain up my leg. It gives me something else to focus on. Maybe I can kick a hole through that fucking asshole's stupid precious car. Destroy something he loves for a change. 

The door opens, and his brother stops me with a gentle hand on my shoulder. He's huge, and I know he could stop me by force. He doesn't. I pull my arm away. Cross my arms and turn back to the window. My ankle is fucking killing me. The throbbing keeps me grounded.

"I'm sorry about your. Um, friend," Sam stumbles, and I roll my eyes to keep more tears from falling. They sting with the effort. No way I'm letting him see me cry. "Dean is..." he huffs. Stalls. I don't want to hear it, but I don't say anything. "Dean's not himself right now. You've gotta believe me, Claire. He'd never... he would never hurt an innocent person, normally." _It doesn't fucking look that way,_ I want to say. _It didn't fucking look like he gave a shit who was innocent._ And now the tears are falling again. I swallow around the lump in my throat.

"I don't expect you to forgive him," Sam mutters, and he sounds like he might cry, too. "You don't have to. What he did... it scares me, too, Claire. I thought he was getting better. I thought..." I can barely hear him now, his voice just a faint whisper. I turn my head a little so I can look at him, and he looks as miserable as I feel. _Good,_ I think, but I don't mean it. It isn't good. Nothing is fucking good.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask. I'm not sure why. Maybe because Sam seems nice, and his family is broken. I can relate.

He looks over at me, and I see sympathy on his face, but not pity. His cheeks lift in a small smile that doesn't reach his eyes. They're as red as I know mine are. "He's been through a lot." Sam looks away, stares into space somewhere just under the rear view mirror. Shuts his eyes and sighs. "He thought he was doing the right thing." I don't think he's talking to me anymore. He seems really far away. I sniff. Wipe my nose on my sleeve. He seems to come back to himself.

"I don't think he'll be able to forgive himself," Sam tells me. "He doesn't want to be... this." He gestures back toward the house, and I get it. "He's really a good person... he's just made some bad choices. Hell, we all have." He's got that faraway look again, and I wonder what he's thinking about.

There's a tap on the glass, and we both look up to see Castiel standing outside the car. Sam opens the door and pauses. Turns back to me and settles a hand on my shoulder. I don't pull away this time. "I really am sorry. We're gonna make things better. I promise." I get the feeling he's trying to convince himself, too. Maybe more than he's trying to convince me. I smile because I think he needs it, and he smiles back. Gets out of the car.

"I need your help," Castiel says to Sam. I can hear the exhaustion in his voice.

"Is he..." Sam begins.

"He's asleep." I think of earlier, when he broke me out of the group home. "I had to. He was..." Castiel trails off.

"I'll get him," Sam says. He reaches out and grasps both of Castiel's shoulders, and they share a look. Castiel inclines his head and gets back in the car. Leaves the door open.

He looks worse than Sam. He looks like... _Oh. Fuck._

"You love him," I say. It isn't a question. There was something there, when he possessed me all those years ago. Something I was too young to understand. Something he was too young to understand at the time, maybe. I see it on his face now. 

He doesn't deny it. He looks down at his lap, like he's ashamed. "He's a good man, Claire," he says, and he sounds a little like my father then. It makes my chest ache. "He's the best man I know." 

He's so different. So... _human._ I had wondered what changed him. Now I know. That's probably what makes me put my arms around him. He slips his arm out from under mine and hugs me against his chest. I hear his heart beating. I try not to think about whose heart it really is. I guess it's his, now. The thought doesn't hurt like I thought it would.

We're silent for a moment, and then Sam is there, carrying his brother over his shoulder. Castiel helps him gently lower the man into the car, and takes a few extra moments to make sure that he's arranged properly. Takes his coat off and rolls it up, tucks it between Dean's neck and shoulder. Closes the door, gently, and guides Dean's head and the makeshift pillow to rest against the door. Sam watches him from the passenger seat, and I can tell from the way he seems to have relaxed a little bit that he knows Dean is in good hands. He must know how Castiel feels, too. I wonder if Dean knows.

I realize I'm not mad at Dean anymore. I don't know why. I'm just exhausted and kind of numb. Castiel settles back into the seat next to me and I rest my head on his shoulder. Sam catches my eye in the rear view mirror as he pulls away from the house, and we share a reluctant smile. "We're taking you home, Claire," Castiel tells me, and I know he means their home, but it'll have to do for now.

Things aren't okay. Not by a long shot. But things haven't been okay in a long time. 

I close my eyes. Pretend it's my father beside me.

_I'm taking you home, Claire._

**Author's Note:**

> As always, come say hey to me on [tumblr!](http://glassclosetcastiel.tumblr.com) (No seriously. Come say hi. I mean it.)


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